"Shepherding" Chapter 16: Childhood - Training Objectives

It is crucial that a child under the age of 6 learns that he is under authority, and that he must obey without challenge, excuse, or delay. However, between the ages of 5 and 12, there must be a transition to a deeper level. With the increasing level of independence and capability, we must not be content to remain focused on mere obedience. In this stage, the big issue is character development.

The discipline process for young children addresses defiant behavior, but more and more you must address "behavior that is wrong, but not defiant." The overall goal is for him to develop a concern for God and for others, as opposed to a selfish lack of concern. These are character issues. For example, to not help Mom with responsibilities around the house may not be defiant, but it shows a lack of concern and value for her.

There are some common pitfalls for your family when you have a child in this phase. First, there is a tendency to keep making more rules to cover the myriad of decisions and experiences that a child will face. Of course, this task is impossible. Another potential danger is the tendency to focus on good behavior, instead of addressing the heart issues. And there can even be peril in keeping all those rules. We must be careful that we (as parents as well as our children) don't think that the goal is to produce good little rule-keepers. Why? Because these children can easily become smug and self-righteous, looking down on siblings and friends who do not keep all their rules.

Tripp gives a good method ("Three-Pronged Tool of Diagnosis") to help us hone in on our children's real needs. There are three sets of relationships to evaluate:

1. The child's relationship to God. Not "Is there a relationship?" but "What is the nature of that relationship?" The goal is to see if the child is depending on God's grace and power.
2. The child's relationship to himself. God has created each of us unique, with a certain bent. You can only help your child reach his full potential if you help him know how God created him.
3. The child's relationship to others. What does she want out of her relationships? What does she look for? Does she aim to serve or lead others?

Personally, I (Joey) have gone through this about once per year with each of my children, even from the time they turned around 2 or 3 years old. If you've never done son, I encourage you to try it for yourself, as a tool to help you lead and shepherd your child.

Thoughts? Questions?

Marriage Intimacy

Since we at Grace Church are in the middle of a series called "One," with key implications for marriage and relationships, I found this video to be very timely. David Powlison has some great thoughts and principles about marital intimacy and redemption.

Also, if you have not followed the teaching series, you can listen to and/or download the teachings from our website.

-- Joey Espinosa

"Shepherding" Chapter 15: Infancy to Childhood - Training Procedures

I must admit that I usually don't treat sin as seriously as I should. This is true for the sins of my children, and my own sins as well. I don't see that rebellion against a holy God puts us at a serious risk. Of course, I need to continually repent of this mindset; after all, sin is so serious that our God sent His only Son to die, to redeem me from my sin nature. We all need to be redeemed from foolishness and rebellion in our hearts.

For young children, spanking is a crucial component of child training. In general, preschool-age children cannot give proper weight to words alone, and a spanking gets their attention like nothing else, allowing you the opportunity to speak life-giving words into them.

When should I spank? When I give a clear command that can be understood, and that command is refused, challenged, or delayed. I confess that I am nowhere near as consistent as I need to be. Tripp is correct when he observes, "Inconsistency means that correction revolves around your convenience rather than around objective biblical principle." Get that? When I fail to discipline, it shows that I love myself more than I love my child. This is what the Bible teaches in Proverbs 13:24 -- "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him."

Tripp gives some good guidelines in how we should spank. For example, it must be private; the goal is to correct him without stripping his dignity. Discipline is about shepherding him, not about evangelizing or showing others that I follow God's way. Be deliberate and specific in explaining why he is receiving a spanking. And before praying with my child following a spanking, I must ensure that there is complete restoration. "If discipline has not yielded a harvest of peace and righteousness, it is not finished." I may need to check my own spirit, before checking his.

Why should we spank? Because God commands it! "It is God's method of driving foolishness from your child's heart." (See Proverbs 22:15) My child's self-centeredness and pride must be challenged from a young age, to prepare her to live as a responsible adult, and to help her see her need for Christ's grace and forgiveness.

Tripp concludes this chapter by answering some frequently asked questions, and I encourage you to peruse that list for yourself. If you've been using spankings, use this time to prayerfully consider if you've done it by God's methods. If this is new to you, I encourage you to find a godly friend or pastor to help you talk through how you can begin to implement God's chief tool to help train young children.

Safety Plans

With 800+ children in our weekend programming, we have a number of key guidelines and policies to help us maintain a safe and secure environment. For example, Parent Pager (our electronic check-in / check-out system) is a great tool to help us know where to find children in case of emergency, as well as ensure that only authorized people can pick up children. And although we hope to never use them, we have procedures for inclement weather and for evacuating the building.

If you want to read about some of our safety procedures in more detail, click here. We have copies of these plans in every classroom, welcome desk, and work room in our Children's Ministry facilities. Questions? Contact Joey Espinosa at jespinosa@gracechurchsc.org.

Quality Time vs Quantity Time

Ever wonder what the balance is between spending quality time versus quantity time with your children? Of course, there is no easy answer; rather, this is an issue in which we should be constantly seeking Christ about and wrestling with. Here is a link to some good thoughts about this issue.

"Shepherding" Chapter 14: Infancy to Childhood - Training Objectives

Nothing characterizes the time of infancy through age 5 like the word "change." Children grow taller and learn to feed themselves. They learn to play with others and to recite their ABC's. They begin to get basic understanding of who God is. But for us parents, if there is one concept that we must teach them in this stage of life, it is that they are individuals who are under authority. We must model this in our own lives, and explain that obedience is a response to the Lord. You must have this mindset from day 1 of your child's life, and if you have not started yet, now is the time to begin. The fruit will not come overnight, but will be yielded throughout the childhood and teen years. "Respectful teenagers are developed when they are 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5, not at 13, 14, 15, or 16."

Your child's God-given responsibility is to submit to, honor, and obey you (Ephesians 6:1-3). We are all contaminated with a sin nature, so training a child to do this will not be easy. But we must believe and communicate that the child will be blessed if she remains within God's "circle of blessing."

How can we define honoring and obeying parents? Here are some thoughts:

1. Children must not speak to parents in imperatives, or as they would speak to a peer.
2. Obedience can be defined as the "willing submission of one person to the authority of another."
3. Because it is a willing submission, attitude matters! Remember to focus on the heart, not just behavior. Some use phrase that they must obey "all the way, right away, and with a happy heart."
4. If I accept any response besides complete and willful obedience, then I am training them to rebel against my, and God's, authority.
5. Be consistent. It is exhausting for us, but to enforce obedience in our children is our command from God!
6. You can train your child to appeal only after they have learned that they are individuals under authority. Tripp gives some great guidelines, and I encourage you to review this section on your own.

Training a child to willingly submit to authority is understandably difficult. After all, it is an issue of spirit versus flesh. But accomplishing this objective during the first 5 years of the child's life is much easier than dealing with the back-end consequences. Remember that this objective is a blessing, not a restriction, for your child. Submitting to parents is a call to trust God, rather than self. If your child struggles with submitting, you can use this as a tool to help him realize the depravity of his heart, and his need to depend on Christ.

Camp 2009 Photos

Click here to see some pictures from our Elementary Camp back in June. See anyone you know?