Your Kids and Communion

We began this new year on a Sunday, January 1.  At Grace, we typically celebrate Communion on the first weekend of every month.  So we began 2012 as a church with the Lord’s Supper, and since there was no elementary programming this past week, many of us had our children with us.  This may have presented you with an opportunity to teach and explain something that has been a vital part of Christianity since Christ’s final days in earth.  If your family is anything like mine, then you have lots more questions than answers, so I thought I’d stir the pot a bit on how to approach communion with your growing kids.

Communion is an ordinance (a public ceremony) instituted by Christ to serve as a continual remembrance of his saving death and as a means to draw us into fellowship and communion with him.  By taking the elements, we remember Jesus’ perfect, sinless life (the bread) and his redemptive sacrifice and blood (the grape juice) that paid the price for our sins.  These elements are symbols of the real truth that Jesus had to die in our place and was sufficient to do so.  If there is anything that we need to be intentional to teach our kids, this is it.  That all of us are sinners and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23), and that the price of our sin is death (Romans 6:23).  It is only as our children begin to understand this tragic truth that they can begin to understand and receive the great news of the Gospel...that their sins have been paid for by Christ’s death on the cross and that by his grace, we are redeemed and restored forever in the relationship we were made to have with him. 

As a parent, it is ultimately your responsibility to discern for each of your children when communion is appropriate for them and when it is not.  At Grace, we celebrate with an “open table”.  This means that anyone who has a personal relationship with Christ, those who have confessed and believed that Christ’s work on the cross was for their sin, can partake in Communion.  Believing children are welcome at the open table. Those who have not personally and publicly identified with Christ as their Savior should not be allowed to partake.  If this produces tension or questions from your child, then take advantage of this perfect opportunity to explain the Gospel to your kids.  This may be the moment that God uses to reveal himself personally to your child.  What a gift to get to be a part of his work in their life!

How good of God to give our church and our families a fresh start to this new year by allowing us to observe and remember the new life we have been given through his necessary death in our place.  Blessings to all of you parents as you probe the depths of our mysterious and amazing God with your growing and teachable children.  Let’s not miss any opportunity that he gives us to proclaim the truth of who he is and our deep need for him.

Ed Sweeny, Grace Church Pastor to Families

Disciplined Parenting

Last weekend, Jeremy Keever taught on Proverbs 3:1-12 about disciplined parenting. He explained that we are given information to help us teach our children about God, which will in turn help lead them towards a transformed life. As parents, we cannot change the hearts of our children and make them love God, but we can provide an environment that models what it looks like to love God. He went on to explain that disciplined parenting has two main components - teaching and correction. We must use all of our resources to move our children towards heart change. We also need to recognize that discipline involves being intentional, verbal, and physical. All believers must discipline themselves to seek a life of godliness, and this trickles down to disciplined parenting in leading children to a life of godliness.

If you missed this teaching or would like to hear it again, check out his sermon below:

Jeremy also gave a list of excellent parenting resources during his sermon, and we have that list for you here:

• Shepherding A Child's Heart - Tedd Tripp
• On Becoming Baby Wise - Ezzo and Bucknam
• Don't Make Me Count To Three! - Ginger Plowman
• Wise Words For Moms - Ginger Plowman
• Age Of Opportunity - Paul Tripp
• Grace-Based Parenting - Tim Kimmel
• Big Truths For Young Hearts - Bruce Ware
• The Jesus Storybook Bible - Sally Lloyd-Jones

We hope these resources will help you as you seek to reach the hearts of your children, and the children in our church community.

Have questions? Know of any other good parenting resources? Leave us a comment!

Shepherding Children Through Sibling Rivalry

As a parent, one of the biggest stresses can be sibling conflict. If your house is like my house some days it seems my children simply wake up in order to pick fights. How do you get it to stop? If you aren't in the room when an argument happens how do you decide who is in the wrong? If they are bickering over a toy or which TV show to watch, how do you make a decision on who "wins"? Is one of your children constantly coming to you to tell on another?  

Parents without a doubt need to be hands on in managing sibling relationships. After all, we are God's gift to our children in providing order, stability, and discipline. Without parents providing these things our homes will be a chaotic place for our children to grow up. When a child grows up without that order, stability, and discipline insecurity breeds and grows in the heart of a child. This certainly breaks God's heart.

But, how do we enter in to sibling conflict without feeling like all we do is referee? You know what I mean...yelling, "Don't hit your sister?!" Or, "Give your little brother the toy - he had it first!" Or simply spending your family time trying to figure out who was right and who was wrong in an argument you didn't see? Are you tired of putting out fires?

Here is my suggestion - we have to help our children learn to communicate with each other. Communication is a key to any conflict resolution. How do we do this?? By forcing them to work out differences and disagreements with each other. Simply put, instead of you doing all the talking and settling of the argument - make them TALK to each other and do it themselves - with your help, of course.

Refuse to let your children make you a referee. It is obvious we are not to let them be physically or verbally abusive to a sibling (or a friend). But, at the same time don't let them storm off in anger or cry uncontrollably in an argument. All of these reactions to conflict come from a sinful heart. All of these reactions are trying to dictate and control their situation. Whether they are hurtful or not to another doesn't make it better or worse. Instead, do not let any child get their way until they are able to talk with the person they are in conflict with to come to a mutual decision.

If we will stick to it as parents and refuse to be a referee we will cultivate a home where our children listen to and prefer others and ultimately create sibling FRIENDSHIP instead of rivalry. Could there be a better hope for our family than that? Imagine the blessing it would be not only at home, but for our children in any other relationship in their life if we can teach them how to talk things out. How blessed would their future marriages be? Remember, we want to mold our children's hearts to where they can humble themselves and consider others. Stop refereeing and FORCE THEM TO TALK!

- Will Bouton, Downtown Children's Ministry Director

"Shepherding" Chapter 19: Teenagers - Training Procedures

Every Christian parent wants their children to have their own dynamic faith in Christ. This requires, most of all, the work of the Holy Spirit in the hearts of their children. But it also requires parents to labor intensely, and to have a hope in the power of the Gospel. Parenting is not easy, but I think that God desires it to be that way, so that we will be driven to depend on Him.

Having a shepherding relationship with teenagers necessitates that you have successfully navigated the first two stages of the child's life (authority is established, character is developed). A key thing to recognize is that over time parental authority decreases and parental influence increases. What does that look like? Here are some key areas and thoughts:

• Shepherd your children through their doubts. Help them get resources, share your own experiences of doubting your faith, and expose them to other Christians who are living out their faith.
• Give them positive interaction. We must allow them to fail and deal with consequences, but we must never belittle them with destructive speech. "Pleasant words promote instruction" (Proverbs 16:21; see also verse 24).
• Be sensitive to timing. When they are ready to talk, we must be prepared to engage them.
• Allow room for disagreement. We need to differentiate between Scriptural instruction and personal taste.

Ultimately, we must entrust our children to God. "God intends for parenting to be a temporary task." Our Lord loves our children more than we can ever love them, and He proved that by sending His Son to die for and redeem us from our sin. While we must labor with a hope in the Gospel, we also need to cry out for God's mercy.

"Shepherding" Chapter 18: Teenagers - Training Objectives

The teenage years are marked by insecurity and vulnerability. It's a time for children to establish themselves as individuals, but there is an intense need to feel accepted and loved. Many families equate "teenager" with "rebellion," but it is important to note that rebellion doesn't just appear when a child turns 13. Instead, this rebellion has been there (possibly dormant) all along, but now there are more opportunities to express it.

In general, parenting is about preparing for the next stage. If you have preschoolers, the goal is to prepare them for childhood by teaching them that they are under authority (chapter 14). Elementary-aged children need to be lead towards the teen years by training their character at the heart level (chapter 16). And teenagers need to be prepared for adulthood.

Tripp gives three foundations for life that teenagers need before they reach full adulthood, based on the teaching in Proverbs 1:7-19, as follows:

1. Fear of the Lord (verse 7). We need to realize that we are accountable to a holy and powerful God. It's not just about cognitive truth, but how it plays out in daily life. We need to live out of fear of God instead of fear of man, and our children need to see how we parents are living this out.
2. Adherence to Parental Instruction (verses 8-9). Instruction should come in specific family worship times that address their specific needs and interests, and also amidst the flow of everyday living (see Deuteronomy 6:6-7). Furthermore, we must remember to parent out of their best interests, not what is convenient for us or what makes us look good to them or others.
   
3. Disassociation with the Wicked (verses 10-19). Children do not become rebellious because they hang out with the wrong crowd. They (and we) are innately rebellious sinners. What they want is to have a sense of belonging. Since no one runs from a place where they are loved and accepted, parents should make their homes an attractive place for children and teens.

Do you have any suggestions with how you have made your home a welcoming and fun place for your child's friends?

"Shepherding" Chapter 17: Childhood - Training Procedures

As we saw in the last chapter, the key objective for childhood is to address and train character, which can be defined as "living consistently with who God is and who I am." In order to address character we must focus on the heart, since the child's behavior and words reflect what is in his heart (Luke 6:45). We must go beyond dealing with mere obedience and rebellion. It is not just about "good" versus "bad," but "good" versus "God's best."

How do we address the heart? Begin by looking at the "what" of the child's behavior from the "why" perspective. For example, when my children argue over a toy or game, the issue isn't the argument itself. The core issue is that they are each being selfish, preferring themselves over others. In gardening, we need to get to the root of the weeds, not just cut the weeds back. Likewise, we need to get to the root sin issues, not just deal with the outward behavior.

In order to get a lasting behavior change, we must have heart change. But in order to have heart change, we must have a conviction of sin. As a parent, I need to help my child see his sin nature and his need for God's grace. I need to lead my child to the grace and mercy that Jesus offered at the cross. One great way to do this is by using stories and questions which force him to judge himself (see some examples of Jesus appealing to the conscience in Matthew 18 and Luke 10).

Therefore, training character involves teaching children who they are (image of God, fallen sinner) and who God is (Holy, Creator, etc). We must shepherd them towards a life of trust and dependence on Christ in every area of their lives. (Tripp gives some examples of how this could be done with the character traits of dependability and moral purity.) We must help our children know that sinful actions and words are a result of idolatry, worshiping self or something instead of worshiping the one true God.

Remember, the goal is not merely to address character for the current stage of childhood, but to prepare for the next step -- the teenage years. We must continually parent for the future.

"Shepherding" Chapter 16: Childhood - Training Objectives

It is crucial that a child under the age of 6 learns that he is under authority, and that he must obey without challenge, excuse, or delay. However, between the ages of 5 and 12, there must be a transition to a deeper level. With the increasing level of independence and capability, we must not be content to remain focused on mere obedience. In this stage, the big issue is character development.

The discipline process for young children addresses defiant behavior, but more and more you must address "behavior that is wrong, but not defiant." The overall goal is for him to develop a concern for God and for others, as opposed to a selfish lack of concern. These are character issues. For example, to not help Mom with responsibilities around the house may not be defiant, but it shows a lack of concern and value for her.

There are some common pitfalls for your family when you have a child in this phase. First, there is a tendency to keep making more rules to cover the myriad of decisions and experiences that a child will face. Of course, this task is impossible. Another potential danger is the tendency to focus on good behavior, instead of addressing the heart issues. And there can even be peril in keeping all those rules. We must be careful that we (as parents as well as our children) don't think that the goal is to produce good little rule-keepers. Why? Because these children can easily become smug and self-righteous, looking down on siblings and friends who do not keep all their rules.

Tripp gives a good method ("Three-Pronged Tool of Diagnosis") to help us hone in on our children's real needs. There are three sets of relationships to evaluate:

1. The child's relationship to God. Not "Is there a relationship?" but "What is the nature of that relationship?" The goal is to see if the child is depending on God's grace and power.
2. The child's relationship to himself. God has created each of us unique, with a certain bent. You can only help your child reach his full potential if you help him know how God created him.
3. The child's relationship to others. What does she want out of her relationships? What does she look for? Does she aim to serve or lead others?

Personally, I (Joey) have gone through this about once per year with each of my children, even from the time they turned around 2 or 3 years old. If you've never done son, I encourage you to try it for yourself, as a tool to help you lead and shepherd your child.

Thoughts? Questions?

"Shepherding" Chapter 15: Infancy to Childhood - Training Procedures

I must admit that I usually don't treat sin as seriously as I should. This is true for the sins of my children, and my own sins as well. I don't see that rebellion against a holy God puts us at a serious risk. Of course, I need to continually repent of this mindset; after all, sin is so serious that our God sent His only Son to die, to redeem me from my sin nature. We all need to be redeemed from foolishness and rebellion in our hearts.

For young children, spanking is a crucial component of child training. In general, preschool-age children cannot give proper weight to words alone, and a spanking gets their attention like nothing else, allowing you the opportunity to speak life-giving words into them.

When should I spank? When I give a clear command that can be understood, and that command is refused, challenged, or delayed. I confess that I am nowhere near as consistent as I need to be. Tripp is correct when he observes, "Inconsistency means that correction revolves around your convenience rather than around objective biblical principle." Get that? When I fail to discipline, it shows that I love myself more than I love my child. This is what the Bible teaches in Proverbs 13:24 -- "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him."

Tripp gives some good guidelines in how we should spank. For example, it must be private; the goal is to correct him without stripping his dignity. Discipline is about shepherding him, not about evangelizing or showing others that I follow God's way. Be deliberate and specific in explaining why he is receiving a spanking. And before praying with my child following a spanking, I must ensure that there is complete restoration. "If discipline has not yielded a harvest of peace and righteousness, it is not finished." I may need to check my own spirit, before checking his.

Why should we spank? Because God commands it! "It is God's method of driving foolishness from your child's heart." (See Proverbs 22:15) My child's self-centeredness and pride must be challenged from a young age, to prepare her to live as a responsible adult, and to help her see her need for Christ's grace and forgiveness.

Tripp concludes this chapter by answering some frequently asked questions, and I encourage you to peruse that list for yourself. If you've been using spankings, use this time to prayerfully consider if you've done it by God's methods. If this is new to you, I encourage you to find a godly friend or pastor to help you talk through how you can begin to implement God's chief tool to help train young children.

"Shepherding" Chapter 14: Infancy to Childhood - Training Objectives

Nothing characterizes the time of infancy through age 5 like the word "change." Children grow taller and learn to feed themselves. They learn to play with others and to recite their ABC's. They begin to get basic understanding of who God is. But for us parents, if there is one concept that we must teach them in this stage of life, it is that they are individuals who are under authority. We must model this in our own lives, and explain that obedience is a response to the Lord. You must have this mindset from day 1 of your child's life, and if you have not started yet, now is the time to begin. The fruit will not come overnight, but will be yielded throughout the childhood and teen years. "Respectful teenagers are developed when they are 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5, not at 13, 14, 15, or 16."

Your child's God-given responsibility is to submit to, honor, and obey you (Ephesians 6:1-3). We are all contaminated with a sin nature, so training a child to do this will not be easy. But we must believe and communicate that the child will be blessed if she remains within God's "circle of blessing."

How can we define honoring and obeying parents? Here are some thoughts:

1. Children must not speak to parents in imperatives, or as they would speak to a peer.
2. Obedience can be defined as the "willing submission of one person to the authority of another."
3. Because it is a willing submission, attitude matters! Remember to focus on the heart, not just behavior. Some use phrase that they must obey "all the way, right away, and with a happy heart."
4. If I accept any response besides complete and willful obedience, then I am training them to rebel against my, and God's, authority.
5. Be consistent. It is exhausting for us, but to enforce obedience in our children is our command from God!
6. You can train your child to appeal only after they have learned that they are individuals under authority. Tripp gives some great guidelines, and I encourage you to review this section on your own.

Training a child to willingly submit to authority is understandably difficult. After all, it is an issue of spirit versus flesh. But accomplishing this objective during the first 5 years of the child's life is much easier than dealing with the back-end consequences. Remember that this objective is a blessing, not a restriction, for your child. Submitting to parents is a call to trust God, rather than self. If your child struggles with submitting, you can use this as a tool to help him realize the depravity of his heart, and his need to depend on Christ.

"Shepherding" Chapter 13: Summary

In chapters 1-12, Tripp gave us general principles on child training. I will summarize these in a series of questions for parents.

1. What affects my child's behavior and choices? It is both external shaping influences and the child's internal Godward orientation that affects his behavior. Your role as a parent is to provide the best influences possible, while also shepherding his heart responses to all external influences.
2. How much should I focus on my child's behavior? Look at the behavior only as a tool to understand your child's heart. The heart is the source of behavior.
3. Who is God's primary agent in training my child? God has made you the parent His agent. My goals and methods should be God-ordained, not determined by man.
4. What is the ultimate goal of parenting? To help your children know that only in glorifying and enjoying God will they find fulfillment.
5. Does the method matter? Yes, the means is as important as the end. Our children must see that we are trying to live by the Gospel and God's word.
6. What are the main child training methods presented in the Bible? Communication and the rod. To neglect either one will be a severe handicap in training your child's heart.

In chapters 14-19, we will discuss more specific applications to these questions, as we walk through the various stages of childhood.

"Shepherding" Chapter 12: Appeal to the Conscience

In the last few chapters, we've learned how communication and the rod (discipline) are the core tools to help reach a child's heart. However, what should "give biblical shape and structure to our parenting" are appealing to the conscience and correcting with a focus on redemption.

Children (with very few exceptions) have a conscience, a capacity to distinguish right from wrong. The rod can get their attention when they sin, but my children need me to instill the truth of God's way in them. Questions and stories, not mere preaching to them, are great tools to reach their hearts (see 2 Samuel 12 and Matthew 21 for biblical examples). What is needed is not mere correction and instruction; I need to get past surface issues (or, "Thorns," to use the language from "How People Change"), and to get to the core issues -- sinful hearts.

How do we keep a central focus on redemption? Children need to know that they are sinners and that God is merciful. It is only be these two truths being coupled and prominent that we are driven towards Christ. Discipline does not lead to the cross; it is a tool that can help us expose our child's incapability to live a life that is pleasing to God all on their own power. "Discipline leads to the cross of Christ where sinful people are forgiven. Sinners who come to Jesus in repentance and faith are empowered to live new lives."

Therefore, we must not focus on teaching children to merely obey the rules. I believe the chief purpose of the Old Testament law was to show people that they could not keep God's standard. Furthermore, the danger with children believing that they are doing good and keeping the rules well is that they tend towards self-righteousness and hypcrocisy. They have a hard time seeing that they need to trust in Christ.

Should we aim to raise "good kids," or young men and women who depend on Christ in every area of their lives? How are you working towards this goal? Do you ever find yourself basing your expectations of your child simply on your desires or what is easier for you now?

Heart vs. Behavior

This is great article by Carl Brower at The Village Church. Enjoy!

As I type this my children are indefinitely grounded from video games. Indefinitely, you ask? Yes, indefinitely. The allure and excitement found in video games had transfixed and consumed my children’s thoughts and affections. They constantly thought about it, talked about it, sung the music from it and were otherwise immersed in the fantasy world these games create. This was an obvious example of idolatry. We are created in the image of God, to be heralds of His goodness displayed through the gospel. We will worship, we will proclaim. The worship and proclamation of anything but the gospel and the redemption offered therein is idolatry. My children were worshipping and proclaiming these games. It was a sweet opportunity for me to teach this concept to them and to demonstrate the love of Christ, Who asks that we lay our idols down and follow Him.

All sin is idolatry

As we shepherd and disciple our children, we must be constantly aware that all sin is idolatry. In disobedience, the proclamation is that someone or something else is more important than God. This holds true for our children as well. “Mine! Mine!” Ever heard this screamed from down the hall in your home? This is your child demonstrating idolatry of self. Making oneself ultimate above God and His commands is so common that we often don’t recognize it in ourselves and see it simply as a behavior issue in our children.

Behavior vs. heart

As we go through our daily lives – filled with work, activities, events, car rides, housework, homework and sleep – we can easily find ourselves falling victim to one of the biggest lies the enemy whispers to us as parents: If you control your children’s behavior, their hearts will follow. Just get them to act nicely. Be polite. “Please, thank you, yes sir, no sir, yes ma’am, no ma’am” are the words of the day. If we can get our kids to behave well, then we have accomplished our goals. We have fulfilled our parental duties if people see our kids as “good,” or mention that they are “so well mannered!” Be cautious that your own pride in being a “good parent” does not blind you to the truth. Your charge is not to make well-mannered children, but to make disciples. Disciples are those who love, trust and follow Jesus Christ. The difference between these is the state of the heart. Just as the Pharisees had learned proper behaviors without a true heart of repentance and acceptance of the gospel, so can our children. And they will, if that’s what we teach them. We must be willing to address these demonstrations of idolatry with the time it takes to truly explain to our children the truth that their behavior comes out of their hearts. They must be made aware they have a wicked and dirty heart that can only be made clean by the cross of Jesus Christ. We must tell them that, just like God, it is their hearts that we are after – not their behavior. It is the state of that heart we must address as parents, trusting the Holy Spirit to move and convict them.

Does this mean we ignore behavior?

As Paul would say, by no means! Behavior must absolutely be discussed, demonstrated and developed. It cannot be the end, but shown to be the symptom of what is happening in their hearts. Discipline is necessary and must be administered with love, mercy and grace. But if we focus on the behavior in our discipline, then we will get the results we seek: changed behavior. If, however, we resolve to invest in discipline where the focus is addressing the heart, then again we will see, by the Grace of God, the results we seek: changed hearts.

We must not only tell our children these things, but we must live them. A child knows a hypocrite when they see one. If we profess these truths, but do not demonstrate them, then it is our own heart we must be addressing. Ask yourself these questions:

• Do my children see me confessing and repenting of my idolatry?
• Am I trying to be “superman/superwoman”? Do I let my kids think I’m faultless?
• Am I identifying myself as a sinner in need of grace right alongside my kids?
• Do I walk in community and accountability?

There is no doubt that parenting with the heart in mind rather than behavior is more difficult. “For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.” (Matthew 7:14) But we can trust in the Lord to be gracious and merciful as we endeavor to fight against the lie we mentioned earlier, and rest in the knowledge that the opposite is true. If you minister to your child’s heart, by the grace of God their behavior will follow.

-Carl

"Shepherding" Chapter 11: The Rod

Besides communication, the rod (or, physical discipline) is the second key element in training children. It is important to remember that these two methods are designed to work together (although which is used more does change depending on the age and maturity of the child).

Before we discuss what "the rod" is, we must understand the nature of the problem that we are trying to address. The Bible teaches that a person does wrong not because of a lack of information in his head, but because of wickedness (Jeremiah 17:9) and foolishness (Proverbs 22:15) in his heart. A child is wicked because he is primarily concerned for his own wants, and he is foolish because his concern is for his immediate wants rather than God's ultimate best.

Discipline is not about being angry at the child, but about teaching the child to obey and about rescuing her from the spiritual death that comes from rebellion. For a child to refuse to submit to his parents' God-given authority is foolish behavior, as she is rejecting God. A spanking, given in a Biblical manner (more on this later in the book), helps prepare a rebellious heart "to receive life-giving words."

Physical discipline is a parental exercise that shows your faith in and obedience to God, and it's "an expression of love and commitment" to your child (see Hebrews 12). Think of it as a rescue mission: my rebellious child has distanced himself from god, and I must be willing to do anything to reach his heart with the Gospel. God has given us a wonderful instrument to help do this -- the rod.

Tripp gives a good list of common distortions and objections to the rod, and I invited you to prayerfully consider that list to see where you have been misled or mistaken. For me, I must remember that the rod is not about retribution (my child paying for his sins); it is a teaching tool, not for punitive reasons.

How have you used this element of child training? What questions have you had?

Obedience

I don't know about you, but I struggle to help my children understand the nature and blessings of obedience. I recently read this great article about this topic. My favorite quote: "When children disobey, the solution should not be to do better next time. The solution is to trust Christ for the strength to do what cannot be done in one's own strength. Apart from Christ we can do nothing."

Enjoy!

"Shepherding" Chapter 10: A Life of Communication

Following up with the previous chapter about different types of communication, Tripp now exhorts us to make deep communication more of a lifestyle than an event. Shepherding the hearts of our children is a process of guiding and leading our children, helping them understand . . .

• God and His ways,
• themselves,
  
• how sin works,
  
• how the Gospel meets their deepest needs, and
• their goals and motivations.

Shepherding our children is costly for us. Discipling them requires time and flexibility, since they "do not pour their hearts out or open themselves up" according to our schedule. Therefore, we may need to drop everything in order to seize a moment. Furthermore, we must discipline ourselves to be active listeners. I know that I need to improve in this area, to stop and think about what I hear them say before I speak. And, or course, before we can instruct our children, we need the integrity to model what a disciple of Christ looks like. Do our children see repentance and life change in us?

Every parent that I have talked to that has teenagers or college-age children cannot stress enough about the small window of time that their children are in the home. But this small window will cost us. "Parenting will mean that you can't do all the things that you could otherwise do." It may mean your golf game tanks, or that you don't have a "Southern Living" home. It may mean giving up on your college football habit, or it may involve a career change. What hinders your from more fully engaging your child in a lifestyle of discipleship and communication?

The cost of parenting is high. But is anything worth our children being equipped for a Gospel-centered life? My children are looking to be in a relationship in which they are loved and accepted. I know that I have much to teach them, but they will trust my influence only if they know that I love them and that I am committed to their best interests, above my own desires.

"Shepherding" Chapter 9: Types of Communication

If you're like me, most communication between us parents and our children involves giving rules, correcting when rules are broken, and disciplining for breaking rules. However, Tripp exhorts us to develop deeper and richer communication with our children. He gives a suggestive (not exhaustive) list of different types of communication, and gives several examples from the book of Proverbs. We need discernment in our communication (I Thessalonians 5:14). For example, several years ago, I realized that I was parenting and communicating with Hannah (then age 5) and Elijah (almost 3) the same. God showed me that I was being lazy; it was easy to have a "one-size-fits-all" approach to leading my children, versus understanding them individually.

Here are some types of communication:

• Encouragement. My children need to hear that Christ came because we are needy people. When they know the pain of failure, I must give them hope in God.
• When my child breaks God's standards, he needs correction. I must help him understand what is wrong and what must be done to make amends for that situation.
• Rebuke. Sometimes a serious and sharp censure of behavior or speech is needed. Of course, this should be followed with other forms of communication.
• Entreaty. Especially when you can foresee a possible danger, you may need to use intense urging and even begging. You must remember that the goal is not to beg for something for yourself, but to plead for the "child to act in wisdom and faith" for her own benefit.
• Instruction is when you provide a lesson or information to help your child understand his own world. "As a parent, you are dealing with young people who have large gaps in their understanding of life. . . . Your children need a framework in which they can understand life." The goal is for them to understand God, the world, and themselves so that they will make Christ-centered choices (Psalm 119:104).
• Warning. I must help my children be on guard for probable danger. Think of the illustration of a sign saying "Bridge Out." In the book of Proverbs, warnings typically take the form of "if you do X, then Y will occur."
• When you impart knowledge, you are teaching your child. Note that this form of communication may be done either before or after that knowledge is needed.
• Praying with your child is a great way for each of you to connect with God, and to do it together. Also, you can gain a lot of insight into your child's heart condition by hearing him pray.
  

"Shepherding" Chapter 8: Embracing Biblical Methods - Communication

Let's summarize the last few chapters before we move on. We are called to reject unbiblical (chapter 5), and turn to God's Word to direct our parenting goals (chapter 6). Also, we are called to reject unbiblical methods (chapter 7). The next few chapters will give counsel in how to apply God's Word to our parenting methods. More specifically, there are two key elements in training children -- communication and the rod -- and both of these must be tightly woven together, as seen in Proverbs 23:13-26.

Good communication is dialogue, not monologue. It's one thing to learn to express your own feelings, but there is a higher level of communication -- learning to help draw out someone else's thoughts. As parents, we must strive to understand our children, not just have them understand us. When they sin, our aim should be to understand the nature of their individual struggles, since their outward behaviors are merely a reflection of what is going on in their hearts. "What you must do is peel away the behavior and discern the inner world of your child in this situation. While you can never understand the issues of the heart flawlessly, it is a pursuit worthy of effort."

As an illustration, you can think of good communication as playing tennis (back-and-forth volley), not like playing keep-away ("I'm in control, and I decide when I'll let you in."). With a young child, "Why did you . . . ?" is usually an ineffective way to understand his heart. Better questions tend to begin with "what" or "how," and Tripp gives some examples. The goal is not to merely fix his behavior, but to "help him understand himself and speak with clarity and honesty about his internal struggles with sin."

Above all, remember that not only do we stand above our children with regards to their sin, but we also stand beside them. They must see and hear that you are in a trusting relationship with our Savior, Jesus Christ, and that you needed Him to die for your own sins, too.

What has helped you draw out the thoughts and feelings of your child? Where are you in this process of communication?

Shepherd Press Blog

If you want to dig deeper into the principle of reaching your child's heart with the Gospel, Shepherd Press has a blog (www.shepherdpress.com/blog) that can help give further instruction and guidance. Here are a few recent articles:

• Christ and Your Parenting (April 14)
• What is Important to Your Children (May 19)
• What is Important to Your Toddler (May 21)
• What is Important to Your School Age Children (May 23)

Enjoy!

"Shepherding" Survey

Whether or not you have ever read or are currently reading "Shepherding a Child's Heart," will you please take a couple of minutes to fill out this survey? Thanks for your input!!

"Shepherding" Chapter 7: Discarding Unbiblical Methods

In the past few chapters, we focused on what of our parenting goals are and why they are our goals. But we must also realize that God is just as concerned with the how of parenting. The means are just as crucial as the end result. In this chapter, Tripp gives a representative (not exhaustive) list of some unbiblical parenting methods. It is crucial to remember that we must not evaluate our methods based on our feelings or experiences. Rather, we must assess whether these methods are biblical and whether they bring glory to God. A summary of some of these unbiblical methods:

1. Heritage. This usually comes from thinking, "I was raised this way, and I didn't turn out so bad." But tradition does not necessarily equal biblical.
2. Pop psychology and behavior modification. Some "experts" encourage the use of bribery or behavior modification as an effective method. However, these methods don't deal with the heart; rather, they just address the behavior issue at hand. Making contracts with your child does not easily address the heart issues of esteeming others and submitting to authority, for example. Furthermore, in rewarding children for fulfilling their normal responsibilities, we are appealing to their greed and self-focused desires. Instead, we ought to appeal to God's standards.
   
3. Emotionalism. It is good to share feelings, but that should not be the main point of reference for reaching a child's heart or for changing his behavior. Again, the appeal should be that they must obey for the glory of God.
4. Punitive correction. Be careful that in punishing your child, that you are not doing it out of frustration. Discipline and consequences are needed, but the parent must be constantly engaging the child with formative instruction as well.
5. Erratic eclecticism. Do you get a variety of ideas from a variety of sources? Do you continually mix them, discard them, and try new ones, in an attempt to find something that "works?" This will usually lead to frustrated parents and confused children.

In summary, we need to remember that unbiblical methods (such as those described above) lead to superficial parenting, instead of getting to the heart-issue. It's not that we should ignore behavior. "Biblical discipline addresses behavior through addressing the heart."

The main problem with addressing behavior is that it makes it difficult, if not impossible, to shift the focus from behavior to the message of the Gospel. "The gospel is not a message about doing new things. It is a message about being a new creature. It speaks to people as broken, fallen sinners who are in need of a new heart. God has given His Son to make us new creatures."